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Pause and Rewind

It's been a odd few days.  I again find myself challenging the call.  I was trying to face down some giants, but they've been winning. 

As I sit at this desk and type, on the wall in front of me is a calendar.  On Monday, it'll be two years since I left Visa.  I've paused to examine the time since; where I've been, what I've done (or not), how I've felt, and have considered some of the things I've learned.  I see other pauses throughout that time.  And while I may not have liked some of them, I cannot say if they were good or bad.  They just were.    

Now I've come to a place where I need to rewind a bit.  I can't get back that time that has passed.  No, that is done and gone.  But to rewind now means the May 1st deadline to apply to seminary has been taken off the board.  The weird thing is I didn't see my hand holding the eraser to wipe the date away.  I believe God took that off the board.  I'm not quite sure what to make of that just yet.  I will take it up in prayer.  

In my whole being, I feel sure I am called to new ministry.  I want to honor that.  But I do not want to screw this up.  It's way too important.  

"God, how are you calling David to serve in the Body of Christ?"

My discernment committee has been kind and gentle with me.  I appreciate and love them all.  I think they understand my struggle and the time needed to wrestle in and through it.  Last night, I shared with them the image of finding paint on the soles of my feet.  Feeling that I'd painted myself into a corner about the priesthood, I was compelled to move out from it by walking through wet paint.  I will take some time for reflection and we will look to reconvene some time in April.         

More importantly, Chrissie has been most loving and life-giving to me.  She always has been.  That is nothing new for her.  She sees my struggle,  She hears my fears, even when I don't voice them.  She too wants me to honor this call, whatever it is.  I couldn't do this without her.  God truly blessed me with a most remarkable woman as my mate.  I need to know, feel, accept and fully embrace this call, to whatever it is, and wherever it may take us.  I told her I hope answering this call will feel as good, right and affirming as our decision was to marry.

So here we go.  Again.  "Slow's the way to go".  The pastoral heart I know God has given me will be getting some much needed exercise.      

Almighty Father, your seeking servant prays for guidance.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
romelover
Mar. 8th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
God's time has no minutes, hours, days or years. What will be, will be. I love you.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )