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A Never-Ending Sense of Loss

There are dates we remember and the reasons why.  Some are important to us.  Individually.  Collectively.  Corporately.  There are events we recall, both heart-warming and heart-breaking, which happened to us, to others, around us, impacting everyone in their path.  We know times of profit and loss.  Moments of elation and points of sorrow.  Whatever the 'it' is, we are all affected.  Immediately.  Permanently. 

Twenty-two years ago yesterday, she left us.  It was that time of going 'from strength to strength, from this life to the next'.  A trusted and beloved bride of one, a loving and wise mother to three, a brave friend and soothing soul for countless others.  Her name:  Margaret Isabel Edwards Crosby.  "Mickey" to her friends.  For me, she is my Mother.  My Mom.  Ma.  

I choose to not use past tense because this special relationship still lives.  It is eternal and everlasting.  A bond forged, never to be broken.  Never to be forgotten.  But it is different.  It has changed. 

I remember she died in January, but until my Dad shared yesterday that it remains a hard day for him still, I did not recall the date.  For me at least, the blessing was she that was home with my father when she departed.  In his arms, she collapsed and was gone before he lowered her to the floor.  It was that fast.  It was that sudden.  As she wanted and we all expected, Mom went on her terms and left when God called her.  Dad tell us that she raised her arm as if to reach out to something.  For something.  However we try to rationalize it, something or someone bid her come and she went.  The leaving was hard for both of them.  And for all of us. 

I have always thought and readily said to others that grief never truly ends.  It changes over time. But it never ends.

We still talk, my Mom and me.  The conversations start in odd places, at strange times, in weird ways.  Sometimes there are words.  Always there are smiles.  From time to time, there are tears.  Things I see remind me of her.  Smells trigger memories.  Sounds bring her to light.  Feelings stirring inside of me tell me she is near.  But not near enough.  

For those who knew her, you were blessed.  She was one of the strongest women I have ever known.  For those that never met her, I'm sorry.  You missed out.   

Mom, you are near, but not here.  I really miss having you here.  Here with us.  I am, and will always be, your bouncing baby boy.  I will always love you.  Dad, take heart.  You are not alone.  Your family is here still, and we love you.  Always.    


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2009 12:48 pm (UTC)
((Beloved)) She is an inspiration still and always. I love you.
Jan. 26th, 2009 06:21 pm (UTC)
What she said
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )